Sunday, June 9, 2013

Being Knox's Mommy

I have a lot to do.  You do too, no doubt.  I could be doing all day and all night and never be finished, probably.  I'm a mommy, so I have to make a lot of choices about which things will get done and which things will not get done.  If I'm cooking and I have some time before I need to add something or stir or whatnot, I might do a few dishes or prep clothes for after bath time... there is always one more little thing that could be straightened, cleaned, or organized.  But I've realized that doing all of those little things doesn't really make my life better, and they certainly don't improve my relationship with Knox or make him any happier.  But perfect prioritization is not easy at all.  I need to stop trying to get everything done and sit down with Knox more.

I have realized that I'm constantly talking about time.  Time for dinner, time for a bath, book time... what time is it?...  let me see if we have time...  I don't think we have time for that.  Poor Knox.  I am completely annoyed at myself for worrying about the damn time so much.  This is gonna make me sound crazy, but last night I was really pissed about it, so I threw my watch, my phone (I hate my phone also, even apart from the time aspect), and my alarm clock into a box.  I didn't want to see any of them all evening, and I seriously considered taking a hammer to all of them.   I contained myself and plugged my clock back in before I went to bed.  

Over the past week I have (instead of trying to slip little tasks into every spare moment) been sitting down to play with Knox instead.  I haven't noticed whatever impact it has had on my cleanliness or organization, but I can really tell the difference in Knox.  He is so much happier and more compliant when I've been playing with him, which makes everything easier.  In my reading, I often see it said that a child's world revolves around his parents.  He is happiest being with me and playing with me.  His ideas of what relationships should be like start with me.  His security in our relationship gives him security in every other relationship.  I really want to avoid taking our time together for granted.  I want to avoid spending my time doing a bunch of crap that doesn't matter instead of being with him.

 The time does fly.  He will start school next year!!  My little boy, away with someone else most of the day...  I don't know.  I have to think what I'm going to do about that.

I found this quote today:

“If I had my child to raise all over again, I’d build self-esteem first, and the house later.  I’d finger-paint more, and point the finger less. I would do less correcting and more connecting.  I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.  I’d take more hikes and fly more kites.  I’d stop playing serious, and seriously play.  I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.  I’d do more hugging and less tugging.“  - Diane Loomans

I want to be the best mommy in the world.

Behind Knox you can see his school, their garden, and the covered sand box.
 Last night I watched a little TV.  In 3 episodes I saw 3 kids, each of them 4 years old.  On So You Think You Can Dance, a little boy got on the stage and did a little freestyle.  He did very little, but he was adorable and put a smile on probably at least a million faces.  In the 2nd SYTYCD episode I watched, this amazing guy who also auditioned last year brought his daughter and girlfriend.  The 3 of them free styled together.  My hands were clasped at my heart and I had tears in my eyes, and when they cut to the judges and the audience, they were clearly all feeling just like I did as they watched the family dancing together.  Then, on the first Bachelorette of the season, one of the men brought his son to meet the bachelorette.  The little boy in a suit stole the attention by just standing there.  And after this night of 4-year-olds on TV I thought again how beautiful children are.  They light up the world.  Knox lights up my world.  And I want to really try to light up his world. 

From Japan,

1 comment:

Megan said...

Girl, I feel ya.