My nails are painted. My legs are shaved. I cut bangs the other day. I'm wearing my green cashmere sweater.
And I'm thinking about what I want.
I have these books that inspire me and help me focus my efforts... one is Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain. I have had success with this book, and I firmly believe and could pinpoint the times when I was concentrating on visualization and got what I was thinking about. Thoughts are powerful. Writing goals is powerful.
What do I want to write down? What do I want to concentrate on?
I have different thoughts on different days. When I was younger I had a clear vision of what I wanted and only that would do. My knowledge of what fulfills me has grown volumes and in turn my desires and goals have changed.
The things I used to want I have either had or they have moved into the periphery, and the peripherals are hazy now. I would feel perfectly comfortable driving a Bentley Continental GT down the driveway of my summer home in the Hamptons. I could also see myself milking cows and tending to my horses. I've been able to picture myself in all sorts of situations over the years, and I'm much more likely to be happy in a variety of situations since I've gotten older and some grade of wiser.
Once I decided to have a child, everything transformed... I didn't know at all how it would feel to have a baby inside me, moving, responding to me! I didn't know how uniquely fulfilling that would be for me or how right it would feel. I didn't know that I could find refuge from my search for purpose in a child.
That's how I know now that no matter if I end up driving a Bentley or a beater, I want a few car seats strapped into the back. I want children. I want a big 'ole family and to be enveloped in the chaos and joy of kids and friends and my man and visitors and my brothers and mom and other family all in and out and running around. I want my kids blowing me kisses in the window when I go off somewhere.
And when one of us is in trouble, because trouble always comes, not one of us will wonder where to find support or help. We will fill the house and whatever trouble comes at us will strengthen our bonds and serve to show us how important we are to each others' welfare, and therefore how cherished we are. I want a big family full of delight in each other, surrounded by love, each member of the family a gift to the others.
I also think having a big family teaches children many things. They have to wait. They have to decide what is really a need and what is just a want. They have to figure out more on their own and become more self sufficient, and thanks to all of that, more confident in their own abilities. If I have boys and girls they can appreciate and learn about gender differences. The older children love and impart knowledge and experiences to the younger ones.
Being part of people's lives makes humans happier. It's a studied fact that companionship, friendship, love, and sharing make humans happier and healthier. I feel it. I want it.
When a woman is a mother, most other things are secondary, except her spouse whenever possible. When a person is a student, life mostly revolves around that. That's why although I want to go to law school, I am pursuing it partly because I have to do something, and that's the something that I think would be beneficial and rewarding under the circumstances.
When I think about what I want, a family is at the top of my list. And hey, I'm not getting any younger, so it's something I think about a lot. How much money I have and the other things I'm doing are secondary to me.
I think many times in life I have gotten discouraged or disregarded a goal because I couldn't see HOW something was going to happen. But since then I have learned more about faith and I have more history so that I can look back and connect the dots to see how things happened. I believe that the "how" works itself out along the way if I am putting my head and my heart toward today.
Well, I'm off to study until I find my baby making machine. I'm looking for a good sturdy model that comes with a warranty. Let me know if you see any good deals. Scratches and dents are ok. In fact, they're kinda sexy.