Thursday, July 19, 2012

Shock 'n Release

I sort of don't wanna share right now.  But, I keep wondering what to think about, what to do, and I can't seem to think of anything except writing it.

I'm in a little bit of shock from my mom's unexpected hospital stay.  It's making my mind blank.  For weeks, maybe months, I have been overwhelmed, and I have not been able to keep up with all of my responsibilities.  I have been happy, and in good spirits, but still overwhelmed.  Stress, good and bad, demands attention.  A person only has so much energy and focus to go around.  First, I have to take care of myself so I can take care of my son, although usually I take care of him before myself.  Then, certain things just have to be done.  The house has to be clean, food has to be on the table, bills have to be paid.  I have to be at work and teach my classes.  Then, and this is where I have started to get scatter-brained, there are the extra JET activities like English seminars and meetings, then festival rehearsals and performances to get ready for, then social events... being social is important.  I need people.  I need friends.  But in the hierarchy of responsibilities, that can't come before work preparedness, so I feel distant and left out.  It can't be helped.  I'm busy.

I'm overwhelmed because it seems like things never stop rolling my way...  I can't say everything that has happened, but since June 2008 I have experienced MANY major stress inducers.  Now, I'm changing schools to be in a healthier work environment (i.e., something bad enough happened that the JET program willingly let me change schools; not common) and when my mom came to Japan to visit me July 2nd, she got sick.  My mom's sickness is why I'm in shock.

I think she has only left the USA once to go to Mexico somewhere around 1985.  She came here on a once-in-a-lifetime adventure, and she spent 4 days in the hospital, and should have been there longer.  She was barely healthy enough to go home, and I was pretty worried because I couldn't talk to her while she was traveling.  I was so relieved to hear her sounding well when she reached Tampa, but within 2 days she was in a Florida hospital, and she's still there. 

That's all.  I have no more thoughts.  I don't know what to think.  I'm floating.  I feel kind of...pleasant, but that must be the shock.

...

Today, I made a speech in Japanese to my whole school.  I feel proud.  I don't know all that much Japanese, but I can read furigana and my pronunciation is very decent.  I've received over 100 messages from students and some gifts.  I am so touched by the notes, especially one I read today.  She said I changed her life.  I had no idea she felt that way about me, and it's amazing.  I will find ways to stay busy at Oita West High for the next two weeks since it's summer break and I have no classes, and on August 1st I will begin at Hofu High, where I hope I will have lots of contact with the students and build meaningful relationships.  I'm really looking forward to it.

In other areas of my life, I'm exploring and often receive wonderful, caring words from friends that provoke thought and others that inspire a comfortable kind of resolution.  I know that's vague, and I'm sorry, but as much as I just want to spit it all out, I don't want to infringe on the privacy of other people. 

I'm also the same as I've always been, meaning, I am very rarely entirely satisfied.  I always want something, usually improvement in some area of my life.  I never stop challenging my own being, or that of those around me.  It's partly a strength, but mostly a fault.  Right now, it's more information that I want.  But I try to realign my thoughts to find contentment and patience.  Time never lets me down:  Everything improved is done in time, and it always tells me everything.

From Japan,
Tiffany

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